Particularly since COVID, I've noticed many people attempting to implement Montessori at home. While this is wonderful, I've also noticed that many people are frustrated with how their children respond. They invest money and effort in creating beautiful materials for their shelves, only to become frustrated when their children don't want to work with them, or don’t develop that magical concentration and calm that Dr. Montessori describes. I often see people asking how they can support independent play in their young children, but I believe this reflects a misunderstanding about Montessori.
A Montessori home is not the same as a Montessori classroom. A home does not have the same community dynamic as a classroom. Maria Montessori marveled at, and emphasized, the concentrated, deep, independent work she saw in the first Children’s Houses (for 2-7 year olds), and this easily leads to the mistaken belief that children should be happy to work alone all day long. But in fact, the community of children is central to the Montessori classroom. Children learn from each other, support each other, guide each other, observe each other, and set limits for each other. Children want to be part of a community of other children.
While children do become deeply focused and work completely on their own at times, no child works entirely independently all day long. They have conversations, observe each other, help each other carry large objects, remind each other of the rules, show each other how to use different materials in the classroom, and more. As children get older and more able to collaborate, this becomes even more true. The so-called “nuclear family” (unless it has an exceptional number of children) is no substitute for this kind of community, though an extended family with aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends can be.
So what can we do to make Montessori work in our homes?
Community, community, community! Build a community any way you possibly can. Have playdates. Connect with neighbors. Connect with families from your child’s school, your church, your synagogue, your mosque, your neighborhood. Anywhere you possibly can. Move into a duplex with friends. Find a nanny share. It’s much more important to have a community, for both you and your child, than it is to limit your child to spending time with families who approach raising children the same way you do (within reason).
It’s not about the stuff! The feature that jumps out at people first when they visit a Montessori classroom is usually the beautiful materials (unless it’s the calm children). They are beautiful, and they can be wonderful tools for learning. Dr. Montessori herself was fairly enamored of them (and also made a lot of money from controlling their manufacture and sale, so perhaps she was a bit biased), but the materials are not the core of Montessori. The core is freedom. Freedom to be interested, even in seemingly meaningless activities whose purpose we can’t recognize. Freedom to concentrate. Freedom to move. Freedom to socialize. Freedom to direct one’s own time and growth. As a Montessori parent, your first job isn’t to prepare a perfect shelf activity for every little interest you see arising (Montessori guides don’t do this either), but to let the interest take its course. If it seems to be an abiding interest and the child is old enough, then you can collaborate on research, getting supplies, and all the rest.
Set reasonable expectations for yourself and your environment. If you’ve ever seen a photo of a Montessori classroom (or a perfect “shelfie” taken right after a shelf has been set up), you may feel like a failure if your house isn’t a perfect showpiece, with carefully curated and prepared activities set up on shelves around your house, and no sign of adult tables, chairs, or mess anywhere. This isn’t realistic. Your home is an environment that has to work for everyone, and you all have different needs. You can make the most beautiful shelves in the world, but your children will want to get into your grown-up things, not just the special stuff you put out for them. Ironically, these may even be the least interesting, because, unlike in a classroom, they don’t see other people working with these materials much
Include your child in your daily activities:
“The child must be part of the adults’ life and see everything. This is the normal way for a child to grow. We know how intently he looks at everything; how interested he is in watching all that happens.” —Maria Montessori
The reason children get into your stuff, follow you around, dump flour on the floor, pretend to type important messages on a phone and so on, is because they are primed to learn to do the things the grownups they love and trust do. At home, you don’t have the benefit of a big community of children, but you do have the potential for something else: including your child in your daily life. Include your child in as many of your regular activities as you can: cooking, cleaning, shopping, working (if you can), doing laundry. My daughter loves to brush her teeth with me; she even mimes using an inhaler while I use mine. She also loves to sit on my lap and type out the words I give her while I’m working. Yes, it slows me down. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Take the time you’d spend on making those beautiful materials that rarely get touched on including your child in your life (and the money you’d spend on those materials on replacing that beautiful glass vase your daughter dropped instead), and use it to include your children in your activities.
In some ways, the child-centric materials and structure in a Montessori classroom are a compensation for not being able to provide a child-inclusive adult environment: one where adults go about their business and children can come and go as they please, observing, participating, imitating, and then going off to play at adult activities in groups of children.
Prepare your space for practical life. There is one place where I think preparing the environment specifically for children is really valuable, and that is making sure they have the tools they need to successfully participate in household and personal care tasks. This is especially true for young children, who can’t reach or use adult tools easily. Is there a step stool to get to the sink? Do your children know where to find cloths to clean up spills? Do they have easy access to their clothes and a stool to sit on while getting dressed? Are the dishes in a place where they can get to them to help set the table? (A lot of people purposely put their dishes out of reach so they don’t get broken, but then your child is dependent on you to be “allowed” to be helpful. No, don’t put the good china within reach, but a few broken plates is a reasonable price to pay for the joy of a child who loves to help.) Is there a broom that’s a reasonable size to use? A garbage can and a recycling bin that are easily accessible?
Keep it simple. One of the reasons a Montessori classroom is so peaceful is the simplicity and order of the environment. The level of order you maintain is going to reflect your personal habits (and that’s okay; mess is morally neutral), but try to avoid giving your children too much stuff. Excess stuff is overwhelming, encourages distraction, and honestly, is usually an attempt to substitute things for our attention. Choose a few beautiful and interesting toys, and let your children explore household objects.
Enjoy the skills/activities you want your child to learn. You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned “academic” skills like reading and math at all. In my experience, parents worry far too much about these skills and try too hard to teach them too early, which creates stress more than it creates learning. At home you have to substitute for an entire community for your child, so the most important thing you can do is enjoy the activities you want your child to take an interest in. Want your child to be excited about reading? Read! Read to them. Read near them. Read books. Read articles. Read aloud. Want your child to get excited about writing? Write! Want your child to be interested in math? Talk about numbers. Use numbers. Count things together. Ask silly counting questions (How many noses are in this car? How many fingers are there at this table?). Notice patterns. Draw patterns. Watch Numberphile or Vi Hart on YouTube. Immerse yourself in the world of numbers and patterns. You child will come along if this interest is real.
Let your child do their thing. The most important thing you can do is let your child focus on the things that catch their attention. This is especially true for younger children. Does your baby love staring at the light coming through the curtains? Put her where she can see the curtains and don’t interrupt her. Is your child busy pouring water back and forth between two containers? Let her pour. Then show her how to wipe up the spill when she’s done. As long as it’s not damaging or seriously dangerous, don’t interrupt.
“We can desire so eagerly that they shall grow into fine men and women that we correct and frustrate them at every turn without once realizing that they have within themselves the power of their own development. We cannot see that a child who is interested and actively carrying out little plans and movements of his own is building up will power and self-control.” —Maria Montessori
Community, community, community! Again, I can’t stress this enough. People are meant to be in community. When we talk about leaving children to themselves, we need to remember that this doesn’t mean they should be left alone; it just means we shouldn’t interfere. Work on this now, because the older your child gets, the more friends and mentors matter.