I've been thinking quite a lot lately about the concept of "Freedom and Responsibility". This phrase, or its variants "Freedom with Limits" and "Freedom, not License" have great valence within the Montessori community. We explain to curious, skeptical, or confused parents that children do not, in fact, have the freedom to do whatever they want. They have "freedom within limits". They can move freely around the room, provided they do so in a way that protects people and materials. They can talk freely, provided they are kind and keep their volume reasonable. They can use the material, provided that they are using it appropriately.
But I've come to see this idea of responsibility as a concept that is easily abused. Of course, there will always be debates about what constitutes "appropriate" use of materials. Swinging the Red Rods around like a baseball bat is obviously a misuse of materials and puts people in danger. What about building a "house" with the Box of Geometry Sticks and the Pinboard? Dr. Montessori certainly insisted children should not use materials in ways that weren't intended, because they would come to see them as toys, not tools. Personally, I'm not sure where I land in that regard. But this isn't really the abuse I'm thinking of.
Instead, I'm thinking of statements like these (all of which have come out of my mouth at some point, so I'm not casting aspersions here):
- You have a responsibility to society to learn everything in the Common Core standards.
- You can choose how to spend your time, but you have a responsibility to follow up on lessons I give you.
- You must choose math and writing every day.
- You may work on whatever you want, but you must choose work.
The problem is, none of these have anything to do with responsibility. Instead, they are about perceived benefits to the child's future self, and turning them into obligations fundamentally says, "You can make choices, but we don't really trust you with your own education." By definining these specifics as "responsibilities", we take away the child's true responsibility for their own education and future.
Instead of thinking of "Freedom with Responsibility", I have begun to prefer the idea of "Autonomy, not Independendence", Which comes from Michaeleen Doucleff's excellent book Hunt, Gather, Parent. She defines the difference between autonomy and independence this way: Independence is being entirely free of others, without any obligation or commitment. Autonomy means making ones own choices freely within a web of communal connections: responsibilities to others and conversely, a community of protection and support.
"One night back home in San Francisco, Rosy [Doucleff's three-year-old daughter] eloquently sums up this style of parenting at dinner: 'Everyone does what they want, but they must be kind, share, and be helpful.'" (Doucleff, 2021, p. 261)
Within this definition, responsibility is the obligation to care for ourselves and our community. Children have a responsibility to treat others with kindness, to share in caring for the environment, to help each other out, and to stand up for their own needs, and these are the responsibilities that we, as parents and guides, have an obligation to insist upon.
Introducing Deschooling Ourselves
Would you like to work more closely with me? Dig deeper into how to rethink the idea of school?
Come join us at Deschooling Ourselves.
Learn...
- The principles of a deschooled mindset
- How learning really works
- How motivation works
- The many ways to define success
- The many purposes of school, good and bad
- How children make the transition to adulthood
- How to let your child be the architect of their own life
- The many ways to educate happy, healthy, capable children
With a deschooled mindset, you can...
- Confidently choose an alternative to traditional school
- Stay in a less than ideal school on your family's terms
- Stop trying to live your child's life
- Be a calm, non-anxious, confident guide and consultant to your children
- Parent from wisdom, not fear
- Build a child-inclusive life, not a child-centered life
- Worry less. Trust more. Relax and raise happy, sociable, educated and successful children, with or without school.